7 Majorly Regretful Sneaker Cops
The benefits of hindsight.
Look, we all make mistakes. Nobody’s perfect. We all have Ph.D.’s in hindsight, and lately, I’ve really taken notice of some horrible sneaker purchases I’ve made in the past. Was it the hype? or just the need to cop something then and there to make me feel a little bit better? Either way, these were some pretty bad cops.
Worse still, is that I’m now stuck with all of these things, because, well, they’re just ugly. And nobody wants ugly.
1. OFF-WHITE Zoom Fly
Let’s start off with one of my more recent cops. Yeah, these long-ass, catamaran-looking orange things. I swear I didn’t even know I entered the raffle — it’s a shame the terms were auto checkout upon drawing because now I’m stuck with these. I’m actually a little embarrassed to wear them out of the house.
2. Air Jordan 5 “Pre-Grape”
Oh my god. There’s been some UGLY Jordans over the years, but these take the cake. This was less of an error in judgment on my behalf and more of a mislead by Jordan Brand. Granted, they do look good in the official photos, but in hand, the leather looks like some sort of plastic/play-doh combo, and the colors are just blunt. And not the good kind of blunt.
3. Adidas Ultra BOOST Uncaged
Remember when people first started uncaging their Ultraboosts? It was lit. But then adidas came along and tried to re-create something cool, like a mother trying to rap along to your favorite Gucci Mane song. The result, in both cases, is a train-wreck, ruining the original sneaker (and the song) in the process.
4. Air Jordan 1 High “Gucci”
Man, I must have thought it was a good idea to get these for Christmas one year. But like all bad Christmas presents — like a sweater from your Nanna — you wear it once, and it’s never seen again.
5. Foamposite One “Gone Fishing”
Ok, What the hell are these? And more importantly, why did I drop $300 on them? I don’t even like fishing. I might go and throw this one back in the ocean — it’s a bad catch.
6. Air Jordan 1 “Gatorade” (all of them)
These were exciting for all of 5 minutes until I realized “where the fk am I ever going to wear these?”. Like the delicious Gatorade drinks that inspired them, these fruity foot dressings are still on ice.
7. Air Jordan 7 “Tinker Alternate”
The release of Tinker’s old sketches has become a thing — but there’s a reason they stayed sketches back then and never made it to production. Because they sucked. Yeah, I got caught up in the hype (at the outlet) but now that I look at them, I just can’t deal with that light blue — and the gradient AND splatter on the midsole really stresses my OCD. These, in no shape or form, will ever stack up to the actual Olympics and really should have stayed in the vault.
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